Parodies of Paradise
by TheWitchOfTheSouth
Summary: Parodies of the Kurt and Blaine scenes in each episode. Includes what everybody was REALLY thinking while watching the scenes! Written in script format, character development and plot constancy will be questioned, lines will be dissected, and more!
1. Never Been Kissed

**Ok, This is a complete crack fic. I'm unabashedly making fun of Klaine, when in reality I love them. They have basically been the sole reason I continue watching Glee since season two. But sometimes, It's just SO EASY so poke fun at them. **

****I'm saying what, when you get down to it, really happened in each of the episodes :) ****

**WARNING: If you're against the F-word and mentions of sex, leave. Wrong parody crack fic for you. Some chapters will be much shorter than others **

**Without further ado...*Kurt makes sparkles and prances around in tight clothes to announce intro to parody, while Blaine stares at a pigeon, oblivious* We begin!**

* * *

><p><em>Never been Kissed<em>

Kurt: Hey, I'm new here.

Blaine: *Turns around*

The world: *slows down* literally, there's a slow motion scene.

Everybody watching Glee: Flips out because you can just tell he will be Kurt's boyfriend from one look, because Glee is kind of predicable like that.

Blaine and Kurt: Hold hands in the weirdest way possible while running. That would be awkward walking. Why are they running.

Blaine: So new kid, let me touch your chest and wink at you.

Blaine: And sing "let you put your hands on me in my skin tights jeans, be your teenage dream tonight!" in your face.

Later Blaine: What, me like you? When did I send those kinds of messages?

* * *

><p>Kurt: *has an emotional breakdown* when did I become so sensitive?<p>

Blaine: Well, either you can come here, but not everybody can afford it, and from the looks of your clothes….and hair style….and-

Kurt: I get it.

Blaine: So yea, maybe not. Refuse to be the victim.

Kurt: genius.

* * *

><p>Kurt: PUNCH ME<p>

Karaofksy: HOT! Ima make out with you!

Kurt: …

Kurt: ….dude, what the HELL? You torture me for being gay, literally physical harming me and putting me in dumpsters, and it turns out YOU might be gay?

Kurt: bwa ha. BWA HAHA. REVENGE WILL BE MMMIINNNEEEEEEE HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE

* * *

><p>Blaine: I was just pushed into a wall, and look like a supermodel. Really, look at a photo of me chilling against the fence in this scene. I bet I practiced in front of a mirror.<p>

Kurt: I've never been kissed. Well, one that counted. I was essentially just sexually assaulted.

Blaine: Dude, coffee will solve that.

Kurt: Coffee?

Blaine: Coffee.


	2. Special Education

_Special Education_

Warblers: Welcome, Kurt. Have a bird. We know you are probably really busy and stressed right know do to a sudden transfer to a school with a larger workload, but we would like to also give you another life to look after. Have fuuunnnnn *gigglesnort*

Kurt: Makes a really funny joke.

No one: laughs

Everybody who watches Glee: Gee, maybe this is way Kurt was so different with the Warblers, they ARE ALL HUMEROUS ROBOTS

Kurt Hummel: Is the polar opposite of a humorless robot.

* * *

><p>Blaine: You have it in you to fit in!<p>

What Kurt should have said:…excuse me? Why are you ENCORUAGING THAT? BEYOTCH STFU I CAN BE WHOMEVER I WANT TO BE, AND I AM DIFFERENT AND DON'T WANT TO FIT IT! WHY IS THAT SO HARD FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND? THIS IS SHOW CHOIR NOT THE FREAKING ARMY!

What Kurt actually said: ok.

Blaine: Next time, don't try so hard.

Kurt:…Ok

Blaine: See these uniforms? It means we are one. Like the army. Like the wind. Like the-

Kurt: THEN WHY DO YOU GET ALL THE SOLOS?

Blaine: Because I am the general, the-

Kurt: Why do I like you again?


	3. A Very Glee Christmas and SSS

_A Very Glee Christmas _

Blaine: Sing a song with me

Klaine: Are apparently able to play a random karaoke, and have the whole "who sings what" and harmonies planned out _without _panning it out, choreography included.

Critics: …that was a date rape song.

Klaine Lovers: THEY LOOK SO CUTE AND HOT. THEY SOUND PERFECT. KURT IS HAPPY.

Critics: They are singing about date rape.

Klaine Lovers: Holy crap. Their shoulders just touched. Kurt just did a smolder look. Blaine keeps calling Kurt "baby." Their lips were close enough to kiss.

Critics: THEY JUST THREW A FUCKING SONG ABOUT RAPE IN WITH THE OTHER HAPPY CHRISTMAS SONGS.

Klaine Lovers: *hearts* we loves the Christmas spirit *more hearts*

Blaine: You were _much_ better then that girl is going to be ;)

Everybody Watching Glee: * Gigglesnort *

Kurt: I'm in love with Blaine.

People Watching Glee Later: ….Kurt hesitated when Blaine said I love you? He doesn't love Blaine!

* * *

><p><em>Sue Sylvester shuffle <em>

Kurt: Blaine likes football. I like scarves.

Kurt: *comes to a football game*

Blaine: *Wears a scarf*

Everybody who watches Glee: NONONONO GO BACK TO THEM CHEERING IN THE BLEACHERS, WE DON'T CARE ABOUT THE STUPID FOOTBALL GAME AND THE TINA/MIKE MOMENT THEY ARE TRYING TO MAKE HAPPEN!

* * *

><p><strong>Aburpt ending? Abrupt Klaine in that episode. I write what's been given :) And yes, Klaine made a date rape song amazing. Two episodes done here because of the very small amount of KurtBlaine in Sue Sylvester Shuffle :(**


	4. Silly Love Songs

_Silly Loves Songs_

* * *

><p>Kurt: Is doodling in his notebook – "Kurt *heart* Blaine"<p>

People Watching Glee Later: ….Kurt hesitated when Blaine said 'I love you?' He doesn't love Blaine!

* * *

><p>Blaine: God I Valentines Day. Don't you love Valentines Day? I Love Valentines Day. Want me to buy you some coffee? Don't tell me your order, I know it. Hey, let's buy a cupid cookie to share!<p>

Blaine: So there's this guy I recently met. And I really like him.

Kurt: You don't say.

Blaine: Call me a hopeless romantic-

Later Blaine: I'm not any good at romance. I watch porn. I make girls knee's _turn to jelly._

Plot constancy: Is nonexistent.

* * *

><p>Blaine: *Opens his mouth to start singing*<p>

Blaine: Sextoyssextoyssextoyssextoys

Plot constancy: May be more consistent than we thought.

* * *

><p>Kurt: Blaine. I like you. And I thought you liked me.<p>

Blaine: Like I ever sent those kind of messages. Hey, want a back massage?

Blaine: I mean, I do like you Kurt, except not really, you know? It's like, I like you as a friend, and as more, but I don't want to screw up our friendship, because I like you, right? So you know.

Kurt: No.

Blaine: Want a foot massage? Want to fool around? Only as friends, you understand.

Kurt: Fuck you.

Blaine: I'm up for it, because that's what platonic friends do.

Kurt: No it isn't.

Blaine: **YES IT IS. **

Kurt: Well, can't fight with that logic. I'll wait for you Blainey *hearts*

* * *

><p>Kurt: It appears I set up this event. It also appears that Blaine is somehow singing the solo anyway.<p>

Kurt: Oh wait, it doesn't just appear that way, it is.

Kurt: I'm going try to give _Rachel_ a hug and kind of pat Mercedes on the back.

Plot Consitany and Charactor Development: Are as non-existant as we thought.


	5. Blame it on the Alcohol

_Blame it on the Alcohol_

* * *

><p>Kurt: Gotta stay sober to impress Blaine!<p>

Kurt: * is currently doing some reprise of the Macarena *

Everybody Watching Glee: Ok, Kurt, ok.

* * *

><p>Bottle: Lands on Rachel<p>

Blaine: Why do I look so happy about this?

Rachel: Gimme some sugar

Kurt: lolololololololololol

Kurt….lolol...lol…lol….

Kurt: …..lo…Screw this to Hell.

* * *

><p>Blaine: I wasn't <em>that<em> smashed.

Kurt: You told Puck "Die, Voldemort, die!", sucked faces with Rachel Berry, and slept in bed with me.

Blaine: So?

Kurt: You also let your hair go ungelled.

Blaine: JESUS CHRIST KURT HOW COULD YOU LET ME TO GET SO INDUCED?

* * *

><p>Blaine: So...Rachel just asked me out on a date…<p>

Kurt: Wow that's amusing on many levels. Did you break it to her gently, or crush her soul?

Blaine: Actually, I told her I'd go out with her.

Kurt: I'm sorry, I just had a hallucination. For a second I thought you said, "Actually, I told her I'd go out with her." So what did you really say?

Blaine: That I'd go on a date with her.

Kurt: I'm sorry, I just had a hallucination. For a seco-

Blaine: Ok, I get it. But really, kissing her felt goooooooood.

Kurt: I'm not sure I want to hear this.

Blaine: So I figured, why not?

Kurt: I pretty much asked you out a week or so ago, and you said no. A freaking _girl_ who got you drunk asks you out, and _you . say . YES_?

Kurt: I going to go kill myself now.

Kurt: Oh, and also, because it's the equivalent of a gay male asking a straight male out on a date, and the straight one saying, "I like girls, but sure, why not?" You can't have your first kiss with a girl! You can't go on a date with a girl! The whole idea of that is simply ludicrous. You . Are . Gay.

Blaine: No no, that was yesterday. Now I'm bi.

Kurt: No, no, I don't think so.

Blaine: Wow, you're being just like the physical, verbal, and sexual bully.

Kurt: ...If I didn't want you to die before...

Blaine: "I'd say 'bye", but I don't want to _offend_ you."

Blaine As He Leaves The Coffee Shop: Lawls I'm so clever. "I don't want to offend you…" whooo that was good….

* * *

><p>Kurt: So, dad, my one gay friend whom I'm in love and woke up in my bed might actually be bi-sexual now, because he kissed Rachel at her party after he induced to much alcohol, and I don't think you can really be bi because if you remember I pretended to be when I acted like I was having sex with Brittany in front of you when I was really in love with Finn who was going to maybe be my step-brother soon. So what do I do?<p>

Burt: Holy mother of…..this was not in the parenting manuals…..Mother of God...

* * *

><p>Everybody Watching Glee: God Blaine, you're being asshole. And Kurt, you kind of are too. God, there better be sweet make-up make-outs after this.<p>

Later: ….or it could never be mentioned again.


	6. Sexy

**Hey, I'm back! But hey, this is Glee, you must be used to long haituses. What, me bitter? **

**Ok, I changed the name. The old one was temperary until I had an okay idea, but this is final.**

**Sorry this chapter isn't that good, it was to aggrivating to parody ;P**

_Sexy_

* * *

><p>Kurt and Blaine Start Singing: "Annddd I wont be denied by you the animal inside of you…oh oh, I want some more…OH OH WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? "<p>

What should have happened: Blaine realized how goddamn hot Kurt is and decides he wants to jump him, right .this .second.

What Really Happened:

* * *

><p>Blaine: So Kurt, I've noticed that you're...not sexy.<p>

Kurt: Dude, what the hell.

Everybody Watching Glee: ...Kurt is the sexiest one on the show, beyotch.

Blaine: You look like you're having gas pains

Kurt: ok, you can stop now

Blaine: Let's go to your house and practice sex...

Blaine: y looks.

Kurt: It's a step in the right direction.

Everybody Watching Glee: This better be going were we think it is.

Later: Or not.

Kurt: So I've tried watching Porn….

Fanfiction Blaine: Make out with me

Actual Blaine: *hand gesture to continue* Yes yes, perfectly normal for boys your age.

Kurt: I'm not into sex

Blaine: Good, because you're not sexy

Everybody Watching Glee: *facepalm*

Blaine: Despite calling myself a hopeless romantic a couple episodes ago, I'm going to forget that character and because a sex maniac.

* * *

><p>Blaine to Burt: Teach your son about sex.<p>

Burt: You're the "older" gay guy that Kurts obsessed with? I think not.

Blaine: Or he will get raped, and STD, and die.

Burt:...

Blaine: Not to be rude or anything

Burt:…Not in the manuals…not in father –son manuals…

* * *

><p>Kurt: You don't need to have the sex talk with me dad, I've learned that I have no sex appeal and nobody will ever want to have sex with me anyway so I will just die alone miserable.<p>

Everybody Watching Glee: KURT PLEASE BE THE FATHER OF MY BABIES

Burt: That's good, because I'm not really going to tell you anything.

Burt: Want some toast?

Kurt:

* * *

><p>Blaine: *sigh* Good deed for today done! Time to go rescue some kittens! And help old ladies across the street! Tomorrow, I'll pressure more parents into giving their kids the sex talk! Then pressure those kids to watch gay porn! LOL such innocent, good, fun!<p> 


	7. Original song

**Thank you so much for all your kind reviews!**

_Original song_

* * *

><p>Blaine: I AM IN MI-SER-Y!<p>

Kurt: No. I am.

Blaine: THERE AIN'T NOBODY WHO CAN COM-FERT ME! OH YEA!

Kurt: That's because you pressure all their parents into giving them the sex talk. Oh yea, I haven't forgotten about that.

* * *

><p>Blaine: So did you like it a lot, or a lot a lot?<p>

Kurt: Blaine. We need to talk.

Blaine: Need a shoulder to cry on?

Kurt:... No. Blaine, you're an attention whore.

Blaine: :(

Kurt: I mean, your voice makes angels want to have sex, I'm not saying it doesn't.

Blaine: :)

Kurt: It's just that all the angels are getting STDs and dying and need a break and you aren't giving it to them, you heartless creature. That's all I'm saying.

Blaine: Jealous?

Kurt: One step away from ripping out your voice box.

* * *

><p>Blaine: *shoves aside the casket Kurt had been painstaking working on for his passed pet* KURT NOBODY GIVES A DAMN ABOUT YOUR DEAD BIRD WHICH WE GAVE YOU! I GOTS US A SONG!<p>

Kurt: So…"why did you pick me to sing that song with?"

Blaine: Ok, first let's talk about that sentence. "Sing that song with?" That's not a sentence. It needs a "you."

Kurt: Bitch this is why you have no friends accept me.

Blaine: Anyway.

Kurt:

Blaine: Kurt, you move me.

Kurt:

Blaine: Watching you mourn a death has turned me on like a light bulb.

Blaine: This duet this purely an excuse so I can spend more time with you.

Kurt: I thought we were best friends who didn't need an excuse me spend more time together.

Blaine: BAHAHAHAHA that's funny, Kurt.

Kurt: No, seriously, why would you need an excuse to spend time with me? Are we not even friends?

Blaine: …

Kurt: And that's a break up song.

Blaine:

Kurt: And I think I would rather have you chosen to sing with me because of my talent, not a poor, kind of pathetic excuse.

Blaine: STFU. *Attacks his face*

A Couple Seconds Later: Kurt responds. Like, _really, really_ responds.

Everybody Watching Glee: Literally just died and came back to life in order to watch it over and over again on YouTube.

Kurt's Tongue: Is seriously going there.

Blaine: Okay, so ,um, oduihvodfjnvlsjdf lets, um, practice, yea.

Kurt: "I thought we were."

Blaine: When did you become such a badass?

Everyone watching Glee: Ah, THERE'S the Kurt we know and love!

Kurt's Thoughts: No really, my tongue and hand were doing all the work there. Carry some of the load, will you?

A second kiss: Happens.

Oh WAIT: No it doesn't. hhiiaaa there red piano, wuzzup?

* * *

><p>Kurt: Has anyone died onstage? Please don't judge me.<p>

Blaine: Don't judge you? That's another funny joke.

Kurt: :(

Blaine: Okok, listen. You are cute. People like cute things. People vote for things they like. Ergo, we will win because you are cute.

Kurt: But-

Blaine: YOU'RE ADORABLE, OKAY? SO WE WILL WIN. FEEL HAPPY.

* * *

><p>Blaine: This reminds you of your mother funeral, right?<p>

Kurt: It does now. Thanks for bringing that up. Now all my deaths are here in the same place. Death of my mother, death of my bird, and death of the trophy. The last one's the worst.

Blaine: baby sugar cuty pookums sweetheart babes, I'll be your trophyman.

Kurt: You are better than a trophy, aren't you? My last relationship was one of those. Until I lost that. Another death.

* * *

><p>Klaine: Has. Begun.<p> 


	8. Night of Neglect

**I'm so naïve, I JUST realized that William McKinley was a president. Wow. **

_A Night of Neglect_

Kurt: …And this is my old choir room, otherwise known as the only place where I wasn't verbally and physical abused and living in fear. The only place I could sort of feel a little happy.

Blaine: Aw, you miss that? That's adorable.

Kurt:…Well, as I said-

Blaine: So cute and endearing.

* * *

><p>Karofsky: Queers. Fairies. I am so clever it scared even me sometimes.<p>

Kurt: Do you have any idea the blackmail we have on you?

Blaine: I'm about to turn badass. *push*

Karofsky: What the-

Blaine: I'M IN A RAGE!

Kurt: Whoa, that is kinda hot!

Kurt: Or at least, you'd think I'd think so. Apparently I will just stand here staring blankly as my boyfriend pushes my sworn enemy. I'm sure this happens to straight couples all the time.

Karofsky: How on earth did you push me? I probably weigh three times what you do.

Blaine: Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do.

Karofsky: I think I can take a couple of queers and a girl.

Everyone Watching Glee: *gigglesnort*

Santana: *Owns his ass by only saying a couple sentences.*

Karosfky: AAAAAHHHH

Blaine: …We could have done that.

* * *

><p><strong>I find it funny that Blaine thinks he's so badass and scary, when I would HATE to face Santana or Kurt but Blaine…well…he has Kurt on his side. I'm realizing that I'm making fun of Blaine a lot. Didn't mean for that to happen.<strong>


	9. Born This Way

_Born this way._

Mercedes: Come on, Kurt, isn't there anyway you can return to McKinley? We clearly care more about show choir than your safely. This isn't the last time we uproot someone from their current home to win a competition.

Blaine: I'm all for it. I've been telling him over and over that it's time for him to go.

Mercedes: So why can't he?

Blaine: Karofsky. He has to be safe, and you know how Kurt is. Always tries to do things for himself and gets hurt. Can't have him being "independent."

* * *

><p>Blaine: I'm going to sing a song for my boyfriend in a school that's known for hating singing and gays. This won't cause any trouble!<p>

Kurt *tearfully* I'll never say goodbye to you.

Blaine:

Kurt's thoughts:…This is when you say something back.

Blaine: Well Warblers, let's go! *pause* did we ditch school for this?

Wes: Yup.

* * *

><p><strong>Blaine's hair in Somewhere Only We Know: Is perfect. Gelled, but still curly. Please, God, bring it back to this. <strong>


	10. Prom Queen

_Prom night._

Kurt: Will you go to prom with me?

Blaine: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAH _PROM?_

Kurt: No, fucking Antarctica.

Blaine: AHAHAHAHAHAH, hang on a second *bursts into poorly concealed fits of laughter*

Kurt: I'm getting the sense that you don't want to go to prom with me.

Blaine: What? That's crazy. Of course I want to go to prom with you.

Kurt: really?

Blaine: No. Last time I tried to go to a dance I was beat up.

Kurt: That's great! You couldn't face the bullies before-

Blaine: Actually, they were much bigger than I was and there were more of them, so-

Kurt: So you can forget about that past cowardness and face even more bullies with me!

Blaine: Brilliant.

* * *

><p>Blaine: So yea, I'm going with just a black tuxedo and carnation. Very discrete.<p>

Finn: Cool, I'm sure Kurt will respect that and try to fit in with you.

Kurt: Tada! I'm a cross dresser!

Half The People Watching Glee: It's a kilt!

People Who Actually Know What A Kilt Looks Like: That is not a kilt.

Burt: At this point, you are just asking for attention.

Kurt: You're right! Back me up here, Blaine!

Blaine: You understand that I like you because you're a boy, correct?

Kurt: Look. I get that you were a total coward before by running away from thugs who were beating you and not pulling out a gun and killing them, but I'm going like this. If you don't want to come, fine.

* * *

><p>Blaine: *starting singing a song sung by a lesbian*<p>

Kurt: Dear God, if Blaine starts "figuring out who he is again"…

* * *

><p>Principal Higgins: Instead of doing the smart thing and randomly choosing one of the contestants to win, I'm going to read out something that will obviously really hurt one of my students!<p>

Kurt: *flees the room in tears*

Blaine: Kurt, it's just a stupid joke.

Kurt: THERE, I GOT ATTENTION! AND DO I LOOK HAPPY TO YOU? They all HATE me! We thought just because they weren't making fun, things were different!

Everybody Watching Glee: So Blaine…are you going to like…offer him coffee or _something_?

Blaine: Actually, only you thought that.

Kurt: You are being incredibly unhelpful. Also apparently I have no other friends who care enough to follow me.

Blaine: Right, sorry. Want to leave?

Kurt: And not get the attention I just received? Hold your tongue. Remember, they can't touch me. Or us. Or what we have.

Blaine: Way to drag me into this. They don't even know that I exist yet.

Kurt: Hush sugar, don't wreck the moment.

* * *

><p>Kurt: So, now's your chance. Come out.<p>

Karofsky: Um, dancing with you is not coming out. Kissing you would be coming out. You are giving me some very mixed signals.

Karofsky: Either way, I'm out of here.

Kurt: Well, I'm alone on the dance floor. Time for a little bit of La Jazz Hot action!

Blaine: No time. I'm about to do something as unrealistic as this whole scene.

Kurt: Always have to steal the spotlight, don't you? Getting the first dance when this isn't even your prom…

Blaine: Hush sugar, don't wreck the moment.

Dancing Queen: Is playing in the background while two boys dance with each other. One boy is wearing a skirt. This is one gender confused prom all around.

* * *

><p><strong>Look up SIMGM on YouTube for Glee parodies. They are brilliant!<strong>


	11. New York

**Hey, it's been a while. Funeral is skipped because of lack of Klaine. Considering how far behind the story line I am, some of this might seem weird because of character development. Or more accurately, destroying previous character development. But bear with me :)**

_New York_

* * *

><p>Blaine: While I understand passion-<p>

Kurt: Yea right.

Blaine: I don't understand. Based on past experience, you'd be an emotional wreck by now. I was planning on bringing three boxes of tissues to the airport.

Kurt: Shut up, it was still amazing. I got to ride in a plane for the first time-

Blaine: How poor and deprived _are _you?

Kurt: I got to illegally break into very private property and sing on Broadway stage which could probably get me arrested-

Blaine's thoughts: Oh wow, I love him. I want to tell him that I love him. Now…no…now... no…He's in the middle of drinking coffee! NOW!

Blaine: I love you.

Kurt thought's: Mmmhh this coffee is good…warm and a little bit sweet…gulp…wait, what?

Kurt's thoughts: Ok. Kurt. He just told you he loved you. I think. Ok. Swallow, don't spit. Oh wow, that was sexual. Ok, Swallowed. Alright. Let him know that you love him too. Wait, why did he say that while I was drinking? *takes a breath of air*

Kurt: dfIloveyoutoodjkh

Silence: is present.

Kurt: "When you stop and think about it, Kurt Hummel has had a pretty good year."

Kurt's year: Usual homophobic and being a loser bulling. His only parent gets a heart attack and goes into a coma. He has to deal with getting a new family and them moving in, which couldn't have been easy. The attacks gets worse, and his friends forget about him, one bully trys to make his life hell and kisses him and sends him a death threat, making him switch into a school he can't afford away from his friends to a place that doesn't understand him, he's rejected by the guy he loves, before having the guy finally come to his sences right before they loose sectional. Then Kurt looses nationals. Oh, and his pet bird dies.

Kurt's year: Sucked _major, **major,** _balls.

Everybody Watching Glee: Would like to know what Kurt Hummel considers to be a bad year. Or even a not-so-good year. Zombies could have attacked the world and Kurt would be all, "That year wasn't so bad now, was it, Blaine?"

Kurt's thoughts: But seriously, why did he say that while I was drinking hot coffee?

Blaine's thoughts: TROLOLOLOLOL

* * *

><p><strong>Blaine was trolling so hard right then…<strong>


	12. The Purple Piano Project

_The Purple Piano Project_

* * *

><p>Blaine: The thing is Kurt, I love you and all, but Dalton has been my home for ages, all my friends are there, I'm popular there, I'm the lead singer, and it's literally a perfect life. On the other hand, you're at an awful school that's underfunded, homophobic, and full of evil bullies and borderline psychos. It's a hard choice.<p>

Kurt: No. It's not. I'm at McKinley.

Blaine: That was the borderline pyscho part. Really though, Dalton has been my home for-

Kurt: I don't care.

Blaine: All my friends are-

Kurt: Shut up.

Blaine: It's just that, I'm pretty pop-

Kurt: Why do you think I would care about you when my feelings are at stake here?

Blaine: Why don't you just come back to Dalton?

Kurt: Because my friends are at McKinley.

Blaine:

Kurt: Did I mention how cute you looked?

Blaine: You're just scared that I'll beat you.

Kurt:

Blaine:…at sectionals.

Kurt: Um, no. You're scared that _I'll _beat _you._

Blaine:

Kurt: Yup. Be scared. I'm bigger than you.

* * *

><p>Blaine: I'm gay.<p>

Blaine's skin tight bright red pants showing off his feminine hips: I'm gay, I'm case you forgot.

Blaine: So…I just rearranged my life to be with you.

Kurt: *hugs him*

Everybody Watching Glee: What the hell. That was a kiss moment.

Kurt: Wait, you didn't do this because I forced you to, did you?

Blaine: *dead faced* Of course not. *Bursts out laughing* LOL, how did I say that with a straight face?

Kurt: So to clarify, you didn't do this for me, did you?

Blaine: No, for Puck. I love him.

Blaine: Did you know it takes around a few days to decide to transfer schools, convice your parents to let you transfer, apply to a new school, get into the new school, leave the old school, and come to the new school? You would think it would be a lengthy process, but you'de be wrong.

* * *

><p>Blaine dancing in his red skintight pants, shaking his hips, and shimming: Hey, in case you forgot, I'm gay.<p>

Cheerleaders: *Dancing around him.*

Blaine: Guys don't even. See these jeans? I'm gay.

* * *

><p>Kurt: I seem unbothered that Blaine has suddenly become as stereotypically gay as me.<p>

Kurt: Your dance was so hot you set the piano on fire.

Blaine: That was the cheerio's.

Kurt: Okay, they were so hot they set the piano on fire. And so cute running around the piano pouring _lighter fluid _unto it. Adorable little pyshcos. Must have been why no one noticed.

Blaine: They were to busy noticing that I'm gay.

* * *

><p><strong>And so ends the era of Old Blaine, and we begin our journey with New Blaine. Le sigh.<strong>


	13. I'm a Unicorn

**Some of this is an part of an angry rant I wrote the second after this episode aired. Feel free to skip it. really.**

_I'm a unicorn_

* * *

><p>Mr. Shue: Kurt, you need dancing help.<p>

Kurt: I'm going to have to speak for the _whole population of people watching Glee_ when I say I disagree.

Mike: Your freestyle needs work. All you do is shimmy. It's really distracting.

Kurt: Flattering, Mike, but I'm taken.

Mike: Shut up.

What Everybody Watching Glee Should Have Been Thinking: You can't teach freestyle...

Blaine: Can I go in for this one too?

This Plot Point: Is never really explained. Maybe he was jealous of Mike's obvious come-on.

* * *

><p>Kurt: Anyway, I'm auditioning for Tony, which I need to get into college. The only college I'm applying to.<p>

Blaine: That's awkward because I'm auditioning for Tony too.

Kurt and Blaine: WE ARE IN A TOTALLY HEALTHY, STABLE, AND UNCOMPETITIVE RELATIONSHIP.

Blaine: But hey, I'm a junior-

Everybody who watches Glee: *brains explode* WHAT THE BLOODY FUCK? WHAT? WHAT? BLAINE IS A MOTHER-FUCKING JUNIOR WHILE KURT IS A SENIOR? IS THIS TRYING TO EXPLAIN THE HEIGHT DIFFERENCE OR SOMETHING? HELL NO. DOES THIS MEAN THERE WILL BE A BLAINE WITHOUT KURT NEXT YEAR? BLAINE IS NOTHING WITHOUT KURT! LIKE ACTUALLY ZERO CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT! WHAT HAPPENED TO GOING TO NEW YORK TOGETHER? SCRATCH THAT, I'M PRETTY DAMN SURE BLAINE WAS NOT A SOPHOMORE LAST YEAR. NO WAY IN HELL WAS HE A SOPHOMORE. WHAT IS HE NOW, SIXTEEN? ISN'T KURT LIKE EIGHTEEN? WHAT THE FUCK. THERE WAS NEVER A HINT THAT BLAINE WAS YOUNGER. IN FACT HE USED TO BE OLDER. AND NOW HE'S A GODDAMN YEAR UNDER KURT? RIB YOU TROLLS, THIS ISN'T FUNNY.

That awkward moment when: Kurt was seventeen last year, and Blaine could technically have been fifteen. Lolwut.

* * *

><p>Kurt: So I'm auditioning for a romantic male lead, which is why my audition song has a higher pitch than like any other song I've ever sang. My cleverness astounds even me. Also I'm allowed to bring scaffolding and swords into the building. Security is pretty lax these days.<p>

* * *

><p>Couch Beiste: I want a male lead that gets me horny. While perfect in every other way and requirement, Kurt doesn't. So no.<p>

All Other People There: That is defiantly appropriate.

* * *

><p>Blaine: *Tells Kurt that he won't audition for Tony. Writes that he's reading for Bernard. Goes in and sings a Tony song for his audition.*<p>

Everybody Watching Glee: We see what you did there...

Blaine: "something's coming!"

Everybody Watching Glee: Yea, me.

Coach Beiste: I'm going to need a minute alone…

Artie: I think we all do after that. Would you like to read for Tony?

Camera: Cuts off to show suspense as Blaine contemplates this hard decision.

The Fans: Oh my God, what will he choose? This must be so hard for him!

What clearly really happened right after the camera cut off:

Blaine: YASURETOTALLY *reads for Tony*

* * *

><p><strong>Kurt was the punching bag for this episode, again. WHY CAN'T WE CUT THIS GUY A BREAK? <strong>


	14. The First Time

**Hi, didn't abandon this parody, don't plan to. Fox = Fox, the channel Glee's on.**

_The First Time_

* * *

><p>Kurt: *In a full body skintight leopard suit* Do you think I'm sexually boring?<p>

Blaine: hhmm?

Kurt: I mean our hands never go south of the equator.

All Fanfiction Writers of Smut: *_major _face-palm*

RIB: See what we did there? That's our clever way of saying, "We're never gotten past second base." Shut about realistic or not. We don't care.

Blaine: Yup.

Kurt: So…what I'm asking is…don't you want to rip each other's clothes off and ravish each other?

Blaine: Nah I'm good.

Non Exist Plot Consistency: Once again rears it's ugly head.

Blaine's thoughts: Hhhmm, Kurt clearly isn't comfortable speaking bluntly about this, so I will respect his wishes and follow that example.

Blaine: Plus, that's why they invented masturbation. Which I do frequently. Masturbate, I mean. In case you didn't understand what I was saying.

Blaine's thoughts: Welp, I tried.

Blaine: *Leans in close to Kurt's face. Cups his face in his hands.* Kurt?

Kurt: *Stares into Blaine's eyes and feels his breath on his face* …Yes?

Blaine: Ripping off your clothes would take more effort than I'm willing to put in. *kiss!*

RIB: Enjoy that kiss where you couldn't see Kurt's face, you won't be getting many more.

* * *

><p>The actual Klaine locker conversation: Is so Fanfiction the writers probably got ideas off Fanfiction.<p>

Kurt: So I want to own Logo.

Blaine: So cute. Of course you do.

Kurt: I want to get a pet pony.

Blaine: You're so sweet.

Kurt: I'm going to decorate my own wedding and design all dresses and tuxes.

Blaine: You're adorable.

Kurt: I want to fuck Taylor Launter before he gets fat.

Blaine: *chokes* What?

Kurt: Yea, yea, that pony one was somewhat embarrassing.

Blaine: I know what _I'm_ masturbating to tonight.

Blaine's thoughts: Let's wrap this conversation up with a cryptic and suggestive remark. That works in movies.

Blaine: Isn't now the time to be…*pauses and whips out James Bond sunglasses* ... dangerous?

Blaine's thought as he walks away: Man, I am _slick._

Camera: Zooms in on Kurt's fingers stroking each other. Whoa there Fox, getting' risqué.

* * *

><p>Kurt: And how we know Sebastian?<p>

Blaine: You don't.

Kurt: I'm making a point. Sebastian, you should know that we do face washing routines nightly.

All Fanfiction Smut Writers: We're actually going to jump off a cliff.

Kurt: We're going to be experiencing a lot of firsts soon. Hint hint.

Sebastian: So Blaine's a virgin? Hot.

* * *

><p>Blaine: You should drink!<p>

Kurt: But It's illegal.

Blaine: Courage, Kurt, Courage.

* * *

><p>Sebastian: So I hear that you are always the designated driver.<p>

Kurt: Oh really? Has Blaine told you anything else about me?

Sebastian: I meant to say he hardly even mentions you. Doesn't even know you exist, really.

Kurt:...because that's a pretty detail-ish thing for Blaine to mention ther-

Sebastian: Who are you again?

Blaine: SO ARE YOU GUYS READY FOR ILLEGAL ACTIVITY AND DIRTY DANCY OR WHAT?

Sebastian: YYYEEAAABUDDY.

Kurt: *Takes straw into his mouth a sips rather suggestively*

Blaine: *Humping Sebastian*

Kurt: Why do I even try.

* * *

><p>Blaine: KURT I WANT TO FUCK YOU IN THE BACK OF YOUR CAR!<p>

Kurt: …you're never getting drunk again. Ever.

Blaine: I'm serious. *hands groping everywhere, which would cause fangirling, if it weren't so creepy*

Kurt: …..me too…get the hell off me.

Blaine: OM NOM NOM TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS!

Kurt: Blaine! No!

Everybody Watching Glee: *flashbacks*…

_- Critics: They are singing about date rape._

_- Blaine: sextoyssextoyssextoyssextoys_

_- Blaine: Want a foot massage? Want to fool around? Only as friends, you understand._

_- Blaine: Lets go to your house and practice sex..._

_Blaine: y looks._

_- Blaine to Burt: Teach your son about sex._

Yea probably should have seen this one coming.

Kurt: You're drunk and trying to force yourself unto me after dancing with another guy.

Blaine: So why are you mad?

Kurt: BLAINE!

Blaine: Je-sus, So_rry _for _trying _be to _SPONTANEOUS!_ I think I'm just going to have to walk home, Kurt. I'm a little bit offended at you raising your voice at me.

Kurt: You're home is probably at least a twenty minute drive from here. Do you have any idea how many hours of walking that is? While you're super drunk during the night? You will die somehow or another attempting that.

Kurt: But apparently I let you anyway.

Chris Colfer's voice as he cries out "Blaine!": Makes up for this fail.

* * *

><p>Kurt: Hey<p>

Blaine: Hey

Kurt: You were great.

Blaine: Put your hand on your heart.

Kurt: Like the song?

Blaine: The lyrics don't say that anywhere. I'm sorry for sort of trying to rape you in your own car.

Kurt: I'm sorry for not letting you rape me in the back of my car.

Blaine: *tearfully* It's okay, I forgive you.

Kurt: Hey, it was still better than you kissing Rachel before we were in a relationship!

Blaine:

Kurt:

Blaine:…you really thought that was _better?_ If I had done that to a girl, I'd suddenly be the most hated character on Glee.

Kurt: *grabs Blaine's arm* _MINE._

Klaine: *kiss*

Blaine: When I kiss, my arms don't leave my sides. It's really strange.

Kurt: You take my breath away. Up on stage, I realized what you meant about masturbation.

Blaine: *Tearfully* Thank you.

Blaine: So…I was thinking…want to Artie's party...

Kurt: NO

Blaine:…

Kurt: I want to come over to your house.

Blaine: Yea sure invite yourself over, that's totally polite.

Kurt: TAKE ME THERE

Blaine: *muttering* Couldn't this have happened before opening night?

What is it about crying: That turns Kurt and Blaine on?

* * *

><p>Cut to Kurt and Blaine in bed: Wearing underwear. And pants. And undershirts. And socks in one case. And definitely not having the hot Klaine sex we all wanted.<p>

RIB: Their noses touched, okay? LEAVE US ALONE.


	15. I Kissed a Girl and Hold Unto Sixteen

_I kissed a girl_

Blaine: We sing "Perfect" to each other in the car.

Everybody Watching Glee: Can we take a moment and remember that these are two teenage boys? Not to stereotype, but come on.

Everybody Watching Glee: ...I thought you drunkenly date-raped each other in the car.

Everybody Watching Glee: Which actually would be a bit more normal that singing "Perfect." But it's Glee, so not really.

Kurt and Blaine: We're perfect…lalala we're perfect…you're perfect…the whole is perfect and fluffy…

Blaine: *Showing off his Kurt's Shoulder Fetish* rub rub.

* * *

><p><em>Hold on to sixteen<em>

Remember that huge Warbler vs. New Directions regionals last year? Lolpsyche, one of them magically moved towns!

Apparently: Straight people can't bash gays, but gays can bash gays. Because this is what their fights sound like.

Kurt: I don't like the way you talk to _my boyfriend_.

Sebastian: _Your boyfriend_ is to good for you.

Kurt: I don't like _your face_. You took like a mercat.

Sebastian: I don't like _your face_. You look gay.

Kurt: I hate _your hair_.

Sebastian: Oh yea, well _your show choir sucks_!

Kurt's thoughts: You can insult my face, you can insult my hair, but _**MY GLEE CLUB…**_

Sebastian: You're going to be wearing an _apron. _And _khakis._

Kurt: Oh shit just got real. Time to pull out the real ammunition. Bitch, you smell like _Craig's list._

Sebastian: Oh. No. He. Didn't.

Insults thrown were included and limited to: Boys, faces, show choir, hair, trophies, and clothes.

Blaine: Watcha guys talking about?

Sebastino: Duh, going out drinking and bar hopping again! *manly fist bump*

Blaine: Haha, oh no! Nothing weird happened last time! Right Kurt?

Kurt: *Singing softly to himself* "I ought to say no no no sir… mind if I step in closer…say what's in this drink…"

* * *

><p>Blaine Last Year: We need to add sex to our performance if we want to win. I'm going to spend the whole episode talking about adding sex appeal to our performance.<p>

Sam: So maybe we could add, like, one body role.

Blaine This Year: HEAVEN FORBID. I am literally appalled at that suggestion.

Blaine: We should add a twirl. Twirl twirl twirl…lalala boy show choirs and twirling…

Blaine A Few Minutes Later: I'M A MOTHERFUCKING BOXER, YOU MOTHERFUCKERS! SEE THIS PUNCHING BAG? IT'S YOU'RE AND THE HOMELESS GUYS _FACE._ HELLO, FACE, MEET MY _FIST._

Finn: **O_0**

Blaine: Don't act so surprised. Everybody else should probably have seen this coming. I started the Secret Dalton Academy Fight Club. When I wasn't singing "Firework" I was beating people up.

Finn: I'm jealous of you, okay?

Blaine: Because I kissed Rachel, am hotter than you, a better singer and dancer than you, half the people who liked you moved on to like me, boy and girls alike, play the romantic lead in the musical with her, and take everyone of your solos?

Finn: Yes.

Blaine: It's a wonder you aren't the one punching my face.

Finn: Yea well, you are obviously much more violent than me. I think the last time I pushed someone he had gotten my girlfriend pregnant. You wanted a twirl.

Blaine: It was an amazing twirl.

* * *

><p><strong>Erp, hello<strong>


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